The silence. Stillness of the night.
The street lamps and my room lights.
Only the sounds of brandenburg
And the occasional rattling of the fan.
, breathing the colour thought is before language into still air. I’m figuring out what that might mean.
A nice time until you realise that tomorrow you’ll be sleepy.
Why’re you still awake? What keeps me awake.
Three weeks. No. Less.
Why do this?
Every drip drop of energy. Effort.
you know people do get quirky, a bit, at this time
i think compared to last year, i’ve taken a more positive attitude towards the pre-exam studying. not that it makes my studying any easier or any faster. i still delude myself that i will be able to finish everything sufficiently and satisfactorily in these 3 weeks. though honestly, i’m getting kinda worried.
sometimes, the best action amidst uncertainty and fragility,
is inaction.
I spent lunch time today watching 102 Minutes That Changed America on history channel. I was intending to do work, except that the documentary on 9/11 was too striking. I know it’s been a long time since 2001, but the images still caught me. This was a plain, pure compilation of numerous video footages from as far as outside of manhattan to right beneath the world trade centre. There was no narration, no cgi, no nothing. Just true images and voice recordings of civilians on the ground, civilians trapped in the wtc and paramedics. It captured raw human emotions. The gaping mouths, the shaking of heads, the look of utter disbelief – that struck me the hardest. It brought me back to that night, when i was a mere primary 3 kid. I’m quite sure I still remember the disbelief, but also the (innocent and disgusting) excitement I felt. Today, I thought of what I would have done if I were caught in that situation. The panic and desperation – a huge surge of overwhelming emotions. A news reporter mentioned how that could be a day that would change your life forever. And I wondered if such a day would come for me. How would I be different. Which part of me would endear through. Is a near death experience for the better?
“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
it takes courage to tread into the unknown;
to find a direction amidst the uncertainty.
edit: it takes courage, confidence and a belief
i just wonder if this really is the kind of person i want to be. increaisngly, i feel that i’m getting more impatient with people. perhaps i’m thinking too much. but perhaps i really am loosing a grip of myself. some days i just disregard who i am, and let myself be whatever, whoever my emotions make me into. other days, i force upon myself a mood, an emotion, a reaction. should that be the case? sometimes for my sake and others, yes. is that how i should be? i don’t know. i try to tell myself this is where my strength lies. but that can turn into arrogance and pride. i’ve got to find that control and that patience, before things go horribly wrong. because some days i just feel it boiling in me. and i want to just let it all go.
the decision to let the oteam opportunity pass has been bugging me a bit. i guess a bit of the regret has been unnecessarily self-induced. it’s just quite unlike me to let it go. but i guess thinking about academics puts it into perspective. i think of myself this time next year, and i don’t want to think further. don’t really want next year to arrive just yet i suppose. although time is slipping away pretty quickly.
i haven’t watched many plays this year, and that’s something i miss. really miss the emotions that come with good plays – and drahma was good. it makes me wonder more and more what i will do next time, where i will put all my life’s energy to.
all the dreams and ambitions of a little kid…
but for now, just finding a drop of joy in little things that pass everyday.
since monday, the rpa charity dinner gig has been stressing me out. from the first practice, i was kind of in “panic mode”. every day i was just thinking of going home to practice practice and practice. (and putting off already over due work in the process…) if there was anything good that came out of suddenly watching KEANE last night, it was getting inspired again. when i finally got home last night, i was sure i wanted to put up a good performance tomorrow. its odd how the process can be so masochistic, but the end can be so satisfying and even fulfilling.
this week just showed me what i can do. really. i managed to step out of myself so many times this week, to suppress the natural feelings and to just believe. nj match, rpa gig… i realised that when i do develop a determination to do something, i really will do it.
of course things don’t stop here. there are next week’s deadlines to meet and more immediately, there’s still the gig i want to do tomorrow. it isn’t easy, but i guess it’s all about developing the strength to keep going. that includes fighting a possible onset of flu. i will keep this up for as long as i can.
in many other ways, this has been a week of learning.
thank you for having pulled me through
To dig deep within myself
To step outside of myself
To do what i know i must
Not just for myself
But for others
Bigger, greater.
In the face of work, of troubles, of whatever it is that is thrown at us, we just feel like giving up. To just rebel in a fit of violent anger. The independent mind – and heart – just wish things were different.
Yet the little voice within us just keeps us going. It tries to find peace within all the insanity. We all have our control mechanisms, in violent and non-violent ways. At the end of it all, we just want to come out of it better, safe, satisfied.
The little voice that speaks, that guides us along.
i think sometimes i give up way too easily. the target today was a 30 min run, but i ended up only doing half of that. the urge to stop was simply too enticing. but i can’t keep doing that, especially during training. and finally training is back after all the disruption. i think it’s going to be exciting but tomorrow is going to be tough given my fitness level.
and i hate feeling dumb after lessons. physics was an absolute blur to me. to be honest, it isn’t all that difficult. it’s just.. who in the world would go think of those formulas. it’s a hell lot of studying to do. and econs is getting worse and worse. i look at essay questions and i dont know how to do. there’re so many different concepts i don’t know which one to use. worse, which combination of concepts to use.
all i know is that there is a lot a lot of studying to do. it just never stops!
committing to one. and i have to make that one succeed.
