Whenever I go back to camp and have to deal with all the problems, I really feel like screaming my head off and beating the shit out of them. But as I am repeatedly reminded, that’s the most counter-productive method of getting things done. I hate how it is so counter intuitive. At least now, there suddenly seems to be hope.

I think I’m really not good with starts at all. In my one year of service, I’ve never seem to be able to start a new phase well. There’s a great big side of me that many people don’t see. It makes me (and I’m sure everyone else) different. It’s a side of me that I believe isn’t very common and thus isn’t very accepted (as with everyone else). Don’t ask me what that side is, because I can’t put it in words. All I know is, I’ve been sticking out this past one year (as everyone else would say too).

Also, my leadership is at an all time low. Mainly because I’ve never worked or even seen/interacted with such a group of people. True, it adds to my life experience. And yes, this is what I want to experience. That is the usual positive way of looking at it. But it doesn’t make my present situation and my current relationship with my guys any better. I’m always having to a make up for bad starts. Always.

Being positive has a down-side. It is what I (and maybe many others) term “happy-go-lucky”. It makes me not care. Army has made me not care. Because we take this as 2 years of our life that is totally disconnected from the 18 that came before it and the 50 over that might come after. It isn’t disconnected in that what we learn in army is totally not applicable to our lives. It is disconnected in that we’re like many small threads that have been knotted together in the middle, but only in the middle; we bunch together but will eventually lead away from it. Because eventually the two years will end and we will fuck off, I can take everything positively. I know what happens in camp stays in camp. Because of that I think that the impact of every single event in our life is contained in a bomb-proof bin. Everything that happens to me and everyone else around me inside and outside of army, I just go… “oh learn from it, take it in your stride and move on”. Like it is so god damn easy. Like as though there are no after-shocks and no rippling effects. Being positive makes me think that there are no hurtful repercussions. This mentality is also because army has made me individualistic. My life in camp is separate from the life outside of it. My life is a single thread and so is yours. The people I know are separate. So I can don’t care. It doesn’t mean I absolutely don’t care, that I can’t be bothered (because to some extent, I do care). It is that I can brush every wrong aside by thinking it doesn’t matter because they won’t feature in my life. And I apply this to every damn thing in my life right now. I think the world is just blue skies and a forgiving golden sun.

I’m very sick of having to deal with people, and handle all the problems that they’re throwing at me in camp. I just want to finish my portfolio, get a place in the university I want and move on with life. Like it is so easy.

edit: Army has made me cold-hearted.