little voices in us

In the face of work, of troubles, of whatever it is that is thrown at us, we just feel like giving up. To just rebel in a fit of violent anger. The independent mind – and heart – just wish things were different.

Yet the little voice within us just keeps us going. It tries to find peace within all the insanity. We all have our control mechanisms, in violent and non-violent ways. At the end of it all, we just want to come out of it better, safe, satisfied.

The little voice that speaks, that guides us along.

i think sometimes i give up way too easily. the target today was a 30 min run, but i ended up only doing half of that. the urge to stop was simply too enticing. but i can’t keep doing that, especially during training. and finally training is back after all the disruption. i think it’s going to be exciting but tomorrow is going to be tough given my fitness level.

and i hate feeling dumb after lessons. physics was an absolute blur to me. to be honest, it isn’t all that difficult. it’s just.. who in the world would go think of those formulas. it’s a hell lot of studying to do. and econs is getting worse and worse. i look at essay questions and i dont know how to do. there’re so many different concepts i don’t know which one to use. worse, which combination of concepts to use.

all i know is that there is a lot a lot of studying to do. it just never stops!

committing to one. and i have to make that one succeed.

July 15th

I guess… this is pretty much how the remaining of our jc lives will be. The number of goals i score in floorball will not matter. But the ABCs of exams will. After the cts jolted me from my daze, i’m beginning to find that motivation to study. At least for now. It does give me some joy in knowing that i’m becoming a bit more hardworking. Yet it does not stop me from wondering why my life is so filled with work. I know the point of all this studying is to bring us somewhere in our future. But is this really how we must live our lives, even into adulthood?

I wonder if all this work-oriented mindset will change the way i am. Perhaps unknowingly part of my character will seep away to give way to the more work-focused me. May be i would stop doing things that i would have done in the past 4 years. haha. or may be not.

After 7 months, school has kind of settled into its own shape. The way class is, the people i will be closer to, the friends from the last 4 years i continue to remain in frequent contact with, the pace of my life, the way i live through school… it is the way it is already. Could i change these things? Yes, with a considerable amount of effort. But is there any point? I highly doubt it. May be things turn out the way they do becuase… they simply do, by nature. There is no why, there is no need for a ‘why’.

At the end of next year, what will i leave the school with? 4As? And…? Nothing else? I will live through each day. But i will still wonder what the future holds. At night i fall asleep thinking. In the morning i look at the rising sun and go to school. And then after that…

Really, i’m smiling.

building a strong character

In the past week, i’ve learnt to hold my life with my own two hands yet again. And to do so before someone else puts leash over it for me. With age comes more independence. But with more independence, there are greater expectations that that freedom will be put to good use. What kind of person do you want to be, how do you want to define your life – your actions must show.

I just want to be able to maintain this level of committment, which will require a lot more balancing between work and play. How i am going to manage that, i have no idea. Suddenly the next one and a half years don’t look so promising afterall. Is that the way it is suppose to be? I still don’t know.

Tomorrow is chinese oral.

130 bloody am

I’ve spent the last 3 days doing all sorts of stuff, spending every single day out of the house. I didn’t really do everything that i wanted to do, but i guess i won’t complain. It was good time spent away from work.

But because of that, i’ve been promptly told to return to my studies. Sometimes i think i’m never actually given a break, like it never fails to return to the subject of me studying. May be i guess, i never really deserved much of a break considering i didn’t study very hard for the cts. Still, it can get incredibly unbearable when you get the impression that you’re forever made to study.

or may be i really should buck up.

whatever it is, now that i’ve returned to some form of school mode, i realised i’ve got quite a bit to do and settle.