stupidity.

but still, don’t give up.

yup “just hang in there”

just now:

i practised a little bit of violin, got a bit frustrated, any how played some rubbish in frustration and then decided to stop playing.

i then went about tidying up the room. putting things here and putting things there. setting things in their places and then thinking “mmm, that looks nice”. as i did that, i agreed with myself that i like how the room looks. i like the little corner with the canvas painting and the mirror and the red carpet with the red chair that is broken. i like the stage filled with shelves filled with books. i like the red locker looking thing. i like the random little things that my brother put beside the computer screen. i like the two little books placed on the shelf. yeap, i like the room…

***

cts are finally getting to me. i’m getting annoyed with many things and it doesn’t help when other people around me are annoyed to. because then sparks will fly and we’ll get an explosion but i’ll still always be on the loosing end.

lightbulb. i don’t know what i’m saying.

studying with a relatively big group of 4k peeps was just nice. On the work, academic side it wasn’t satisfying (not good at all in fact). but i think it was a nice day. just makes me miss 4k last year and last year’s year end holidays… really nice meeting up with this many people together again.

but well, cts don’t look too bright.

pull those strings

i’ve kind of refrained from thinking too much about this holidays. if i do, it’s the same old story: i’d kill myself for not having done anything and still do nothing. every time my mum asks me how my day has been, i’d say the same thing – “normal, as usual, as it is” and so on. i guess i certainly have done a bit more work than most other past holidays, but considering the cts waiting for us, i doubt thats any consolation.

perhaps part of the reason i have so little motivation to study is that i haven’t quite enjoyed this holidays. there has been a certain lack of fun. don’t think i can remember many days where i come home and fall asleep, tired but happy – having thoroughly spent my energy on enjoying myself. i realised it’s only when we put in all our energy into one specific goal that we reap the greatest satisfaction, be it in work or in play. so perhaps, the lack of play has led to the lack of work.

or may be, that’s just a bullshit excuse.

either way, i shall drown myself out by pulling violin strings right now. because it gives me satisfaction and does not leave my feeling guilty – in this house, practising violin is considered work.

you walk and you hit a wall

we all can choose what we want to focus on. we can channel our energy into thinking and worrying about all the negatives, or we could just focus on the positives. yet, it is the negatives that will bring about change. if we forgive ourselves everytime, there will be no improvements.

in the past few days and weeks, there has just been too many little little negatives popping up here and there. i try to let them go, to convince myself that there is no need to worry. but i don’t know if i should have. i’ve had a lot of questions and doubts and i simply put them off. but i don’t know if i should do so any further.

once in a while you think:

“Damn, that was a really stupid thing to do.”

Set Yourself Free

Some days I want to wring a towel dry,
with all my might squeeze every last drop.

Some days I want to put my hands down,
and give up.

Some days I want to let those tears fall,
trickle down.

And some days I let myself free,
watch the rising, setting sun and loose myself.

Know that there will always be light, that there will always be a tomorrow. That’s what ‘we’ always say.

Hold on to hopes, dreams, believes.

For they hold us together.