It’s the holidays – a supposedly stress-free period – so i don’t know why i’m thinking about all this. But reading a book has just highlighted to me again the hardships and cruelties of life. Our world and our life is just built on so many unimaginably negative things. It appears that it’s so much easier to do bad than it is to do good. Even the simple things in life – it’s easier to wet a book than it is to dry it, it’s easier to boil water than it is to freeze it, it’s easier to snap a handicraft into two than it is to build it, it’s easier to stab a person than it is to fend off a stab. I know you’re going to say i’m slanting things myself.
There are happy moments in our life, joys in our life. But it seems that these moments are fleeting. After the sudden surge of joy, we’re back to clobbering for our future, for money, for our livelihoods. We study, we work. But to what end? For what?
Perhaps then, i’m not appreciating the little things in life. I’m not appreciating the moments of joy and of happiness. May be that’s why it’s fleeting. But am i suppose to? Sometimes i just want to fuck this world, to fuck my life. I’ll hurt a few people, but that’s about it. Who cares anyway? It’s a very selfish way of thinking, i know. But aren’t men all selfish? Really?
It is at this point that i realise: i’m a coward, an escapist. I can’t stand up to the pressures of life and society. I just want to run away. Possibly, the only reason i’m not doing so is because of the people around me – because physically, mentally and emotionally, they won’t let me.
Of late i’ve been marvelled by mankind. We are a powerful force. But it is the negative end of the ‘power spectrum’ – or rather the end perceived by society as negative – that frightens me. I want to cry sometimes just thinking about it.
I only seek to understand this complex life and the world. But it is that understanding just drowns me sometimes. I’m writing this only because i feel like it, only becase it makes me feel that much better. I just can’t get a grip on life.
