time is man’s greatest enemy

it’s a lifelong battle, a race that never ceases to end. it isn’t a game, where you can press “pause” or “play” – it just keeps going and keeps ticking. there will be the struggles: the deadlines. the emotions: the goodbyes. the will: the lack of power.

when it’s still before you, it travels slowly. when it is in front of you, it travels normally. but when it passes you, you think it was speeding. seconds are relative – the clock was created by man. but by whatever measure you wish to go by, the sun will still rise and set, and so will our lives.

the only humanly possible thing is to treasure the time we still have, cherish the time we still have together and make the best use out of it. do it before it’s too late… for it never stops.

stage to create.

i fell asleep on saturday thinking about dramafeste. i fell asleep on sunday thinking about dramafeste. every free time my mind has, it’s now on dramafeste. and the more i think about it, the more i wonder if it was that great an effort afterall.

i wanted to be within fighting distance of bayley and hullet. but im quite sure i wasn’t. i wanted to be above morrison and moor, but i doubt i was either. it really makes me wonder if i did that great an effort i had initially believed myself to have. i mean, yes, it was our best show, ever – and that i’m happy to say. i’m proud to say also that it was a good show, a decent show. but well, i guess it wasn’t spectacular.

then again, i guess i’m just too greedy. this is after all my first hand at directing. and being the first, i think it’s a decent effort. perhaps, i should just be satisfied.

either way, through this whole thing, i realised drama isn’t really of my liking. it is fun and awesome to bring an empty stage to life, but the kind of detail that drama needs just doesn’t appeal to me. i’ll probably stop doing drama after this and try my hand at other forms of art – stuff that i’m also interested in.

it’s back to concentrating on my work – which we’ve all been neglecting. we’re now past the mid point of term 3 and that means i’ve got barely one term left in RI, barely one term to make up for everything. now, i think most of my stuff should be over and i can start focusing on my work properly.

well?

Death In Your World is offically dead. over. dramafeste 08 is over.

Am i happy? sort of.

we got best script nominee and best actor nominee. but in the end, we did not win a single award. well, i guess to be honest i never really expected any. this week though, and especially today, i did have some belief and hope that we’d make top two. but i guess, i’ve gotta agree with the judges – our staging was just not impressive enough. bayley and hullet had a greater wow factor. kudos. and so, i’m not really sad or disappointed. we did put up a good show and we did stage our best show (and i mean best). so i guess i can be happy. just a tinge of disappointment.

still, its come to the end of a really very long week and month. i had to worry about so many other things besides the staging. which i didn’t quite like. but in the end, we pulled through and i am satisfied. still i’m glad all this has come to an end.

would like to say a very big THANK YOU to everyone who made this possible. i apologise for the really really late deadlines and notices. but i would like to thank your for helping me through.

it’s come to the end of a long long 2 months. filled with apcg and dramafeste. through which i realised i should concentrate more on my studies and put in more effort. and now that most of this is over it’s finally time to concentrate on work. and speaking of which… i’m gonna die. we all are. shit.

what have i done?

i just don’t think i have spent the past 2 months of apcg well enough.

it just feels as though everything has passed so quickly and i don’t know what i have done with my time. if i probe a bit further, i find that i haven’t seem to have done much in depth. it’s like i can say one or two things, but thats about it.

the worst part of all is that i started out knowing that i must make full use of this experience, because i’ve had the same sentiments with previous ones. but i just don’t seem to have done it.

but may be as most of your have said, it’s pretty normal. even with anything else in life, it’s all very wishy washy. all i guess i can say is that i will make full use of the next one. whether i will really do it, i… don’t know.

i just hate feeling so empty inside. empty because i miss apcg but also because i don’t seem to recall anything. it just makes me wonder if i have done my best and making me have regrets.

acceptance but still tears

it’s all over now.

just now, i was sitting in sem room 3 and 4 during dramafeste rehearsal and i just felt so, so nostalgic. i thought of all the facils sitting in the sem room listening to lily talk. i thought of thursday’s indian dance classes, where we sat watching some facils and participants dance. i just could not resist it.

on the last day, i really fought back those tears. when theo went up to thank us all, we were all nearly reduced to tears. but i just wanted to stop them flowing out, i didn’t want to cry this time. perhaps i succeeded this time because i’ve grown. after dwen an and oip, i’ve come to realise that there is nothing stopping time. it’ll just keep going and these goodbyes will just keep coming. the only thing we can do is to accept that it is over and move on.

but i just can’t stop myself from missing apcg, as with any facil. back in school today, one day after it all ended, i just kept imagining myself walking through the school with all the facils, travelling from sem rooms to lt with all the participants. i’m just terribly missing everyone now. emotions and tears are just flowing out of me as i write this now. i thought of myself as a teacher – what would i be feeling if i saw my student grow? and really, i just feel this surge of emotions that brings me to tears. it’s uncontrollable.

i came into apcg expecting a lot from it. after previous experiences, i knew how enriching this one could be. the result i got, however, was quite different. to be absolutely honest, i didn’t get the same emotional attachment i got with previous experiences. it just didn’t have the same feel. and over the past few days i’ve been asking myself – was it because i haven’t put enough into this? but i realised, this was quite different. the age group was different and the cultures were varied. the worst part of it all was that the angle and focus of the program was miles apart from my previous experiences. i really couldn’t be expecting the same results. i came to the conclusion that i couldn’t and needn’t change the whole world. but if i could just touch a few small hearts, i’d have done something big. and that was what i took comfort in. at the end of this all, i really was quite satisfied with my group. they had made tremendous progress. on day 1, they were quiet and ununited. but at the end, i really could see them opening up to each other, even those from different cultures. and i was absolutely delighted to see that. in the end, i felt enough attachment to want to write them something, to want to leave with them something.

as for the facils i really can’t say more. it’s just been just so much fun these past 2 months and even more so during apcg. my facil group has been amazing. we may be quieter than other groups but that really doesn’t make us any worse. i’ve really found an emotional attachment with them. the problem i realised is that outside my facil group, i kind of know everyone in apcg but no one in particular. in a way that’s sad, because after 2 months i haven’t really gotten to know anyone new. but then again, am i expecting too much? perhaps so.

but sometimes i wish i had done more. to be more high and what not. i don’t know if i’ve made full use of my apcg time but my only hope is that i have. now that it’s all over, i guess i must accept reality. there’s nothing much more i can do. this experience will forever remain an experience. there are just too many things that has happened in these past 2 months that i am unable to recall them all. but the important and meaningful ones will stay, forever, and hopefully be made use of for future experiences. i really value the experience more than anything else. it’s like a data bank of information that can be used in life that cannot be downloaded.

hopefully the friendships i’ve forged will continue. unlike dwen an and oip, most of us are singaporeans. that means that for most of us, we can remain in contact. the only question is whether we will? it remains to be seen.

for now, life returns to normal – it’s back to work again. this past week has really taken my mind off it, but i guess i really cannot escape it.

but i really love you all.

BANZAI

apcg 2008

it’s over. regrets?

3 days in

what you put in is what you take out.

or is it just me?

spell “a-p-c-g”

If I spell one letter a day, I’d start tomorrow

and end on thursday.

If I add a “!”

I’d finish on friday.

But how I write it, remains to be seen.

What comes after “apcg!”, I really don’t know.

All I know is that I’ll have memories of writing it.

Fond memories.

The rest we’ll decide

tomorrow.

blown away

saturday night – 3am. sunday night – 3am. monday night – 3am. tuesday night -130am. wednesday night – 0am.

that would be the first thing i’d say about this week. there are only 3 school days this week before apcg. but it’s one heck of a week. and i’m not the worst (yes i know). it’s just so so difficult.

there are some groups of people i respect. one of them are those who not only keep alive, but stay high at 3am although they’re under pressure to finish a piece of work. to do that is really amazing. it helps a lot, i feel, because it makes working easier. most people would just slap you in the face if you irritate them the slightest bit at those hours – it’s incredibly difficult to get anything done (which is probably why most would say not to leave things to the eleventh hour). but these bunch of people, they keep the spirits up and they keep the hopes up. it makes working a lot easier. and that’s what i tried to do. to smile even at 5am, when i had no sleep and when the product was still not done. whether it helped i couldn’t tell.

dramafeste is still worrying me. i don’t feel credible enough, doing what i do. new issues just arose in different aspects of the production and i’ve got no answer for it. quite frankly, i’m not very sure of the answer myself. that pretty much means i’m lousy at it. i concede that. but now that i’m in it, i’ll have to finish it off. i guess drama doesn’t appeal to me now as much as it did to me in the past. there are way too many aspects of drama that i don’t like thinking about. i guess it’s a bunch of mix feelings towards df now. on one hand i’m kinda dreading it – for all the work. on another hand, i kinda feel disappointed – for the lack of talent and ability. and on the other hand, i feel slightly excited – because creating an impressive art is exciting. if i pull it off, and put up a good show, i’ll feel perfectly good about myself. but my inkling is that i can’t even do just that. and that’s what worries and saddens me.

with all this stuff going around, i guess my work is suffering. i really want to put more effort into it. it’s the last year and well, enough excuses i’d say. but talk is merely talk without action. yet honestly, sometimes i really don’t see how we can find the time to do those extra bits of revision. i mean, there is only so much time and prioritising is the key. surely revision won’t come before some major assignment due tomorrow? then again… excuses…

well, apcg. my god. it’s week 3. apcg starts coming sunday. wow. it’s unbelievably fast. it’s kinda the highlight of my term 3. but in no time that’ll be over, and so would df, and term 3 and sec 4 life. really, i wanna make the absolute most use of the apcg week. it’s gonna be fun. real fun. i don’t know how else to describe it, apart from saying that i want tomorrow till next saturday to pass as slowly as possible. please?

this week offers a relief somewhat. it’s work and work still. but at least, apcg will bring me some joy. hopefully so will dramafeste, but really, that’s up to me to create. this is term 3 of our last year in this school. i’m just blown away.

right now, it’s deciding whether to stay home, sleep and do some work. or to join the class in cage.

insane 3 weeks

i’m taking this too heavily.

i’m thinking way too much about it.

for that, i’m struggling to keep my sanity.

i’m trying really hard to just keep going

and find the joy in it all.

i saw this coming, but was i any more prepared?

while i find comfort in you all,

at the end of the day, i know it’s still down to me.