too much is happening too fast.
everyone is saying everything and i’ve got no chance to stop it.
it’s filling my head and clogging it up,
making me think and rethink what i’ve got.
nothing. that’s the problem.
where am i? who am i? what have i?
-
i just want to give up. to reside to my fate. to step out of it and think i’m not part of it.
that way i’ll have no worries, no expectations. no disappointments and no desperations.
Two years ago, in 2006, I was captain of the team that got the second gold. This year, in 2008, I’m captain of the team that got the first of two golds. Both times, I didn’t feature almost throughout the season. Never the less, I’m still proud to be one of the few captains who achieved this feat. After all, so what if I’m the off-court non-playing captain?
This wraps up my sec 4 tennis season really well. The c team really played their best tennis. We had so much confidence this year and I think we were well deserving of the double gold. It is my last year here and what a way to end it. I really have to thank the whole tennis team. It has been a really amazing season. Though there were all those difficult times, I think my captainship position really motivated me to put those troubles behind, all for the team.
When the final wistle was blown, I could not believe it. Yet again, we were so close yet so far. Our players fell to the ground, in tears. As we walked towards them, onto the pitch, I felt my heart sink. They had trained so hard, pushed so hard, came so close… but narrowly missed it. As I saw those tears flow free down their faces, it was hard to contain mine as well.
For the second time this year, I saw us come so close to winning the gold. First it was hockey, then just two days ago, it was rugby. Both times, when the final wistle was blown, when I saw those sad teary faces, I really couldn’t help prevent myself from tearing. Those emotions that the players shared, I shared too, though in a lesser degree. But I too, felt so attached to it. Your loss is mine as well, but so too is your gain. I just cannot understand how people need to be sent down for match support. How most would not go down enthusiastically. How those who are sent down would not cheer their hearts out. I just cannot put myself in those shoes. It comes so naturally to me, though perhaps that’s because this is my last year here. But if you actually think about it, it really is quite amazing.
This is just a school, a school where we spend 4 years of your life in. Yet I and may be you find so so much emotional attachment to it. I don’t know how many students from other schools have this same feeling, but I don’t think it to be many. The so called Rafflesian Spirit is really in me. Sad to say, I do think that its gradually dying in this school. I just can’t imagine a whole school of rafflesians in our age would spontaneously go down to support the school just like it was a decade ago. But I don’t want it to go away. It really is such an amazing feeling, being attached to a school, to a school of this size.
And that is why, I hate leaving this place. Right now, I really am enjoying school. Even with the workload, I just enjoy going to school. Even with scoldings in class, I just brush them aside. RJ just isn’t the same. The people aren’t the same, the atmosphere isn’t the same. Things move way too fast there and there everything really becomes serious. At J2, the A levels is as good as life or death. Here, we can afford to still fool and play around, though I’m not saying we should. But the people, the teachers are just so much more personable here. When it comes to year ends, I’ll really hate to say goodbye. But I can’t stop it and neither can any of us. So for now, I really am living this last year to the fullest.
Today, we added two more golds to our bag with trampoline and squash. But imagine, if we had hockey, rugby and softball. This is our batch. None the less, it is no fault of theirs. Life would have been happier with those golds, but now that we don’t have them, it doesn’t make it any worse. Not if we rafflesians played and tried that hard.
All i do is to study. All i can ever do is to study. I just don’t know what else i have, what else i’m good at. Yeah… i certainly am not dumb. But i certainly ain’t smart either. At whatever it is, including studies. I guess i’ll go on like this for some time. Till i find something or till these things don’t really matter, only because they come naturally. When that time ever will be, i really don’t know.
I just look at the people around me and i envy. I really do. And increasingly those emotions have just gotten greater. Its the last year in ri and people are just getting better. Its their peak year in ri. And what have i got? When i just look at all those other people, or may be all you other people, i just don’t feel i’m there. Sometimes i feel like just letting go. Sometimes i just want to reside to my fate. But i try. I try to resist it. To try to think there is still some good in me.
But honestly… i don’t think i’m exceptional. I feel like an average kid, who’s normal in studies, normal in things outside studies. Honestly, that’s how i feel. And when i compare myself to others, others who are unbelievably talented, i can only sigh to myself. It’s my life isn’t it? That’s that way i was born.
I’m thinking, I’m thinking, I’m thinking.
It’s some where at the back of my head,
sitting, roosting, fermenting.
I want to get it out,
To grow it, to develop it,
To make it good.
Sometime may be.
But not now.
I just am not free enough.
Matthew posted a post about pillowman and how the acs guy insulted caucasians and mentally disabled all at the same time. That drew a fiery attack from some random acs guy. acsi guy i must add.
This has been just what i have been waiting for. A recording of the war that wages between the two schools. And really all those talk about charming gentlemanly acs guys, as opposed to high pants, muggerish, nerdish ri boys. The childishness in that attack just makes me laugh. It wasn’t as though acsi was insulted or anything. But that random guy just happily included that in his argument. Rather, what argument? It was just some typical children’s quarrel. All the talk about mugging, act smart, act pro, etc. Its just so common to refer to RI guys like that.
And most people think ri boys are worse than acsi. That we’re arrogant and stuff like that. May be its just that over on this side, we hear all these stories while over on their side they hear the opposite. But to think that we hear all these stories, when we know clearly it isn’t really true is just quite irritating. And i don’t think enough of acsi is like this. At least i choose not to believe so.
Its just so ridiculous how childish people can get in this fight between the ri and acsi. Since i was sec 1, i’ve heard enough of these same old insults (though they’re not really true). But over the years i’ve come to realise just how childish and ridiculous it all is. I just laugh at it now.
Pillowman was good. I didn’t quite expect something of that intensity, but once I settled in, the story was really captivating. This is the longest and most intense play I’ve watched to date, which doesn’t say very much really. The interweaving of the plot and characters was really good. What I liked about it was how stories were used to tell stories in this story. It could have ended before the break – it would have made for a nice ending. But the second half capped it all, adding twists and turns to the plot and characters. Of course there was all those stuff really low budget school plays just can’t do. All those props, the multimedia, etc. But either way, its fun to play around with these stuff for school plays. It just amazes you what an empty space can do.
This two days must have been one of the nicest things to do on a school day. Watch a play, come home at 12, sleep, wake up at 245 to watch manu roma, go to school for soccer trianing and finally for no-lesson day of learning jouney. Yipee!
