i’m a fucking loser

you are right. i’m a fucking loser.

i’m not wanted in the team, not wanted for training. i’m not even an option. i’m useless. all i do all day is to get things and get things done, for the team. i don’t play tennis and i serve the team in no way on court.

yet as captain, i’m suppose to motivate the team and to lead them. how the hell do i do that? i don’t feel motivated myself, seeing how i feel like a useless captain. i can’t do nothing for nuts even if i want to. cos i’m useless. i feel so fucking helpless, trying to motivate a team that i am not really in. i try to motivate myself, but for what. i am not even playing. not even the slightest chance. i try to see my role as a captain in a different angle, in a different way. i try to tell myself leadership isnt about me. but how the hell do i do that, when im not even the slightest bit wanted and useful?

worse still i got in by default. do i really deserve to be in the team? i add no value to the team on the court. all i can do, is all the shit work off the court. how much respect do i get? i really don’t know. how the hell is the team suppose to resepect a captain that just cannot make it?

am i suppose to be content with just being captain. am i suppose to be content that as captain its not all about me. am i suppose to be content with all the sneers and the snide remarks passed, about how im an offcourt-nonplaying captain, of sorts. what the hell is the point.

i have no idea how i am suppose to feel. i have no idea how i am suppose to see myself. i have no idea what my role is. i have no idea whether i should be content or be pissed. i have no idea if it really is my fault.

all the same. i’m a fucking loser.

golden in my arms

You are mine

I want you

Come for me

I’ll get you

…

i’ve really assumed it to be mine.

that i’ll really get it.

i just hope i do.

but i need you. 

brewing.

its brewing, its almost boiling.

sitting on the fire, i can wait no more.

but when that cover is lifted,

when you try it again, for your fourth and final time,

what is the taste?

when you finish it all, when the pot is empty,

what is the verdict?

.

they are your hands and legs and arms and feet

me? who am i?

am i really that helpless?

is there really nothing i can do?

is all that talking really pointless?

is all that thinking really all so pointless?

is all the believing really all so useless?

what can i do?

will you give me that chance?

coming in 3

coming in 3… 2…

bish. bam. wham. slam.

ouch.

its here. its there.

its over.

coming or not?

yes or no?

how?

humanity?

.why do we want to analyse everything?

why do we want to reason everything?

why do we want to make sense of everything?

why do we want to find meaning in everything?

what is the point?

does it make your life all the more worth living?

but is it worth the effort? physically, mentally and emotionally?

why?

then again why ask?

xin nian

It is this time of the year again Where i want to go out But have no where to go Except to stay at home Find something to do Because i am in no mood to do work But still have to do it in the end. Well Well Well. To most of us, i guess this offers more of a break than a festive occasion to celebrate.

But i just realised how beautiful the chinese language is. i’ve never thought it to be so nice till yesterday, when i was watching the China cny performance. with perfect diction and actually a very nice china chinese accent, i think it is actually quite beautiful. and the cny performance was just so wonderful. the colours and the lines are all brilliant. so unlike the singapore one, its actually entertaining and fun to watch.

hopefully, i’ll spend my time more fruitfully and enjoyably. hah. anyway, happy chinese new year to anyone who hasnt found any fun in it. and a very good new year to anyone who has already enjoyed it.

the end.

i am holding it in.

just.

.

your jokes,

your laughter,

its all over and everywhere.

just don’t want to utter a word,

to express it.

but it is,

it is nagging and bugging me.

i cannot stand it myself,

and i cannot make it out.

for now, i’m just accepting it

and trying to make ends meet.

.

may be you don’t notice.

fine.

but when you do, i hope its not too late.

its pissing.

and i’m just trying to hold it in.

just.

.

so please

one week in, i really like how it has gone. i like how i’ve managed to keep my personal greeds under control – to know what i must and have to do. and you know, when people ask me every year what are the chances of winning, i always say there’s a fair chance. but this year, some how, i feel as though we really are going to win. objectively, i think it is still an equal game. but personally, i feel confident of getting it this year. i really do. this is the captain?

in other matters, i failed my violin exam. i have half a mind to press on with my retest and half a mind to screw it. i don’t know what my mind will make me do, or not do, but i just want to get this done and over with. but as i’ve grown, i’ve come to realise violin and music is very much like literature. and actually why not. in much the same way that an author, writer or poet tries to convey a message, so does a composer. just like how words convey an idea or thought, music does the same. and it seems really amazing because the ideas come across in the form of tones not words. and it seems as though its something we dont understand. but actually there is a lot of things we can pick up from it. and just like how an author, writer or poet is influenced by his ideologies and social background, so are composers. and similarly, what composers compose is affected by the ideas of their times. i’ve only come to realise this now and i too find it absolutely amazing. from henceforth, may be i should try to look at music at how i look at lit. actually, its more than looking. its analysing and feeling.