the week long.

balls flying, bouncing. hitting, smashing, whacking.

it starts monday. and it ends in 2 months. with just 7 matches. that’s fast, very fast. i really want this. its the best parting gift i can get. but is it a gift? things have not been going too well for me. it has been much frustration and disappointment over the past week and month. it just doesn’t seem fair. i’ve tried so hard, though of course there’s still room to go further. but it just doesnt seem to be my game. and worse, i’m just not given the chance. what is there i can do? nothing. absolutely nothing. i can fight, but for what? its not as if i don’t want. i want to. i’m sick of doing all the other stuff, all the other things that people take for granted. i’m tired of people laughing at me, of people passing snide remarks. but i just cant seem to acsend any higher. it just isn’t going. what can i do? still… its starting. and a team is a team. we are one and we better function as one. there is this much i can do, but that much support i can give. selfish reasons and selfish gains don’t go. what is best, is best. i’ve gotta accept it. there’s still other things i can do, much more. but i just wish i can play an extra part, to really feel as though i’m something. it doesn’t help me with my mood too much does it? too bad.

i’m muddled in the head. i’ve gotta function and fuction for the team. but for myself, i can’t do anything. its putting on a front, or half a front. but how else can i function, if not for it. its not that i want to. but my mood and the events leading up to it isn’t doing to much to help me.

bow pulling and pushing. fingers running and jumping.

its been quite a fright and a panic state. but its on sunday and its once and for all. these are desperate times, but i want to see it through. theres still every possibility of doing well and the chances are just getting better. its just 2 days left and i really got to make use of them. it has really come down to this. i’ve got to do it.

dash of hope.

well, i guess the jury is out isnt it? or is it?  i don’t know. i so wanted to make it. but it seems i’ve been beaten. beaten to the spot by someone else. what can i do? nothing. maybe there is still time. from now till the finals, theres still much time. may be its enough to make an impact, may be its enough for me to make a statement. i want to. and truthfully nothing ever stops as long as i dont want it to. but i dont decide anything. the world may not seem fair, but then again, may be i’m just disillusioned. in all honesty, i havent really given it my all. at least not till recently. but has he?

i’ve gotta stop here. it isnt right of me. i’ve always said i dont want to. but now, i’ve fallen into that trap. there are other things for me to do. wake up and be more sensible. for now, i’ve got to remain focused. there’s still much to play for. as its always been said, there are other ways to contribute. for me, there most certainly is. i’ve really gotta make it happen. i’ve thought about it for a long time and now its the time to really put those visions into action. for the extra salt and pepper, hopefully i myself can make it happen for me. i really want to.

…

in other matters, i’ve really come to realise how serious my academics have to be this year. its 3.6 for humanities program and then theres the chinese Os. its serious stuff. and i know i want to do it. unlike what i’ve previously thought, its more important than that. i really have to start. for all that matters.

wrap and unwrap

It’s effectively over for me. after close to 3 months of preparation and hard work, JRIC is really over now.

Many say it was a success, i just hope it was. but for me, a successful JRIC has to be one where the sec 1s feel this gush of pride. if they think that its just another ceremony or worse – a waste of time – then it really hasnt been a success for me. the thing is we as psl think: it looks nice, nothing screwed up, so its good. sec 1s on the other hand: nothing screwed up (so theres nothing for me to complain about), wow its nice. but there is one other thing the sec 1s think and that is – is this a waste of time? psls start from seeing the importance of this event. but for the sec 1s, not all do. so really, a successful jric would be one that they are really proud of. and for now, i dont know if they think so.

either way, this jric wasnt in my opinion, my best. i didn’t feel as though i led this committee very well. many many things were left to the last hour – an obvious lack of planning. personally, i dont think i really enjoyed this that much. but if this thing was a real success, it would do me a great favour.

well… its time now to look to other things. after a week of falling asleep in class, i’ve really gotta get back. theres tennis and violin too, with exams and competitions in less than 2 weeks. i’ve really gotta get back now. focus gotta shift now. now.