building a strong character

In the past week, i’ve learnt to hold my life with my own two hands yet again. And to do so before someone else puts leash over it for me. With age comes more independence. But with more independence, there are greater expectations that that freedom will be put to good use. What kind of person do you want to be, how do you want to define your life – your actions must show.

I just want to be able to maintain this level of committment, which will require a lot more balancing between work and play. How i am going to manage that, i have no idea. Suddenly the next one and a half years don’t look so promising afterall. Is that the way it is suppose to be? I still don’t know.

Tomorrow is chinese oral.

130 bloody am

I’ve spent the last 3 days doing all sorts of stuff, spending every single day out of the house. I didn’t really do everything that i wanted to do, but i guess i won’t complain. It was good time spent away from work.

But because of that, i’ve been promptly told to return to my studies. Sometimes i think i’m never actually given a break, like it never fails to return to the subject of me studying. May be i guess, i never really deserved much of a break considering i didn’t study very hard for the cts. Still, it can get incredibly unbearable when you get the impression that you’re forever made to study.

or may be i really should buck up.

whatever it is, now that i’ve returned to some form of school mode, i realised i’ve got quite a bit to do and settle.

Previous Post

stupidity.

but still, don’t give up.

yup “just hang in there”

just now:

i practised a little bit of violin, got a bit frustrated, any how played some rubbish in frustration and then decided to stop playing.

i then went about tidying up the room. putting things here and putting things there. setting things in their places and then thinking “mmm, that looks nice”. as i did that, i agreed with myself that i like how the room looks. i like the little corner with the canvas painting and the mirror and the red carpet with the red chair that is broken. i like the stage filled with shelves filled with books. i like the red locker looking thing. i like the random little things that my brother put beside the computer screen. i like the two little books placed on the shelf. yeap, i like the room…

***

cts are finally getting to me. i’m getting annoyed with many things and it doesn’t help when other people around me are annoyed to. because then sparks will fly and we’ll get an explosion but i’ll still always be on the loosing end.

lightbulb. i don’t know what i’m saying.

studying with a relatively big group of 4k peeps was just nice. On the work, academic side it wasn’t satisfying (not good at all in fact). but i think it was a nice day. just makes me miss 4k last year and last year’s year end holidays… really nice meeting up with this many people together again.

but well, cts don’t look too bright.

pull those strings

i’ve kind of refrained from thinking too much about this holidays. if i do, it’s the same old story: i’d kill myself for not having done anything and still do nothing. every time my mum asks me how my day has been, i’d say the same thing – “normal, as usual, as it is” and so on. i guess i certainly have done a bit more work than most other past holidays, but considering the cts waiting for us, i doubt thats any consolation.

perhaps part of the reason i have so little motivation to study is that i haven’t quite enjoyed this holidays. there has been a certain lack of fun. don’t think i can remember many days where i come home and fall asleep, tired but happy – having thoroughly spent my energy on enjoying myself. i realised it’s only when we put in all our energy into one specific goal that we reap the greatest satisfaction, be it in work or in play. so perhaps, the lack of play has led to the lack of work.

or may be, that’s just a bullshit excuse.

either way, i shall drown myself out by pulling violin strings right now. because it gives me satisfaction and does not leave my feeling guilty – in this house, practising violin is considered work.

you walk and you hit a wall

we all can choose what we want to focus on. we can channel our energy into thinking and worrying about all the negatives, or we could just focus on the positives. yet, it is the negatives that will bring about change. if we forgive ourselves everytime, there will be no improvements.

in the past few days and weeks, there has just been too many little little negatives popping up here and there. i try to let them go, to convince myself that there is no need to worry. but i don’t know if i should have. i’ve had a lot of questions and doubts and i simply put them off. but i don’t know if i should do so any further.

once in a while you think:

“Damn, that was a really stupid thing to do.”

Set Yourself Free

Some days I want to wring a towel dry,
with all my might squeeze every last drop.

Some days I want to put my hands down,
and give up.

Some days I want to let those tears fall,
trickle down.

And some days I let myself free,
watch the rising, setting sun and loose myself.

Know that there will always be light, that there will always be a tomorrow. That’s what ‘we’ always say.

Hold on to hopes, dreams, believes.

For they hold us together.

staying true

The past four, five days have been pretty. I’ve spent a good part of the day just sitting around, doing nothing. Talking. Watching. Thinking. It’s nice to be able to do that once in a while. I’ve always had this wish to just sit and watch the people pass, watch the sun rise, let the time pass. Although with the kind of life we have to live, it’s getting increasingly difficult.

And
Staying true to yourself isn’t easy sometimes. Just keeping to who you are, not letting your thoughts stray. I don’t want a negative change to take effect, and keeping that side away from yourself can be a bit trying.