fragments

I think i need to stop angsting. may be it is getting too much. i’m probably having too many committments now. and i should cut down, if that is what i want. if not, i have to follow through with it with better discipline and management. Violin has been quite trash these past few weeks. i haven’t been practising enough and it’s horrid.

It’s been almost a year since entering jc, but i think neither my mindset or my opinions have changed about the way we survive in this environment. i seem to be thinking about the same things as the start of this year.

In the end we have to be guided by our central principles. trust and faith is important; staying true.

after the project

in my half dazed, half awake mode this morning before i got out of bed, i was still thinking/dreaming about oral presentation. it’s freaky how it’s still in my head. pw has zapped alot of my energy and time this year and i’m just glad it’s (almost) over. the best and easiest way to describe it is “bitter-sweet” i guess.

i just want to move on to other things which i really want to do now. the generic list is reasonably short. but there is a lot to do. it’s really how i’m gonna spend the rest of this year and all the way till JC2 starts…

i need to put all my energy into things that really matter to me. that is when it is most rewarding (a bit like how pw has been). and it is tiring, but i can’t make excuses.

In thought, but not in action.

why’s it that it is so easy to think of many things but its many times more difficult to do it. it’s so much easier putting things in thoughts, in words, than in action. i know what i need to do, i know the whole rationale for doing or not doing. but carrying it out, takes so much more. and there is no way i can be helped but to get a grip of myself. no one can do it for me, but myself. it’s a fight with myself.

i guess thats why we can dream. the unimaginable mind can be a boundless source of strength. but it can be a weakness too.

mangled in some mess.

been some kind of a crap day. pw is more interesting than chinese, that seems to say alot. and i spent more time sleeping than studying probably. its the same thing as cts this year, and i’m quite sick of it honestly. doesn’t feel like i’m sitting for a national exam at all and thats bad. may be sometimes having a plan is overconfidence. you think you know, but you don’t.

i’ve got my hands quite full at the moment, doing all sorts of things (things which distract me from chinese right now). i guess they’re stuff i want to do and will somewhat enjoy doing them. but its still no doubt stressful or worrying doing them. and they distract me from the job of studying. i really hope the two months left in this year will be spent doing stuff i know that needs to be done.

it has been quite messy. messy in many ways. the mix of some very important school work, some not so important but still important work and other issues all over the place make things… irritatingly annoying at times. it’s the “not everything is the way i like it” that is getting on my nerves. i don’t know how else to put it – its just exploding energies. and it isn’t necessarily ‘negative’, just uncontrollable.

Inner Strength

Strength is not about raw brute force. It is not the hardest, strongest, fastest, biggest. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It is the ability to exert the exact amount of force required in a given situation, right down to the most minute muscle movement. That is true strength. And strength is control. Control gives you power – the ability to do just what you want. It isn’t just physical, but psychological and emotional as well. That is real power. Because the mind and heart knows no boundaries.

We are all crafted by our past. But how much of the present is within our control. Which part of us is shaped by nature, which part of us is shaped by our own doing, which part of us is history. What can we still change, force out.

Stand by who we are.

finite infinite

Drive and Direction.

When there isn’t one big fat target placed in front of you, where do you go? That’s the part i hate most after exams.

We have more time, less academic work. I want to do other things, but there is still academic work to do. There isn’t enough time in a day to do all the other things, do work, have fun and still laze around. Lazing around is the biggest hindrance. All i want to do is to laze around all day, but there isn’t enough time in a day to spend all day lazing around and still do other things. Time management is a problem…

It’s really about doing things that i want to do, without feeling guilty about doing them. That’s how time should be spent, doing meaningful things.

happy and imagining

and here begins another phase. finally activities are resuming again and life is getting back to the so-called “normal”. as they resume, it’s actually a good juncture to re-think strategies and figure out if the previous methods were the best methods. if not, change. been dreaming/imagining a fair bit about 2010 season next year (season referring to all things not academic) and the wonders which i might/can create in the last season i have in school. just have to grab as many opportunities as i can, without messing up those yet-to-be As.

sometimes

this week has been a long one. lost track of the days, with all the exams and post exams and what not. the whole post-exams feeling is kinda like last year – mixed emotions. although this year, after exams doesn’t mean the end of school or anything close to that.

i realised before promos that this whole promotional exam thing is really just one part of our lives. when people say that sometimes its not the results that matters? i think sometimes, thats rubbish. but then, i think that’s true in part too. at least thats how i’ve been thinking about it. at the end of the day, it’s about how we lead our own lives. im not saying that in a selfish way. if you are ultimately satisfied with what you have put in and taken out, then no one can take that away from you.  it really is just about the effort sometimes. putting in the best means that even if the results don’t meet expectations, at the end of the day you still can be satisfied.  it’s about finding the meaning for yourself from experiences. and that won’t come if there was no effort in the first place.

a lot of things have set me thinking lately, but till now, i haven’t really had time and the energy to think about them properly. sometimes i wish i could document every thought down. we think about things then forget them with time.

then again, too many thoughts aren’t good as well.

hold your own

We’re all trapped in the creation of who we are.

We try to change. Push against the body that has held us in.

Everything is inside.

“Time has a way of healing…” But even the past catches up with us.

but just one part

apparently gardenia raisin loaf is good. so good a monkey decided he’d help himself to the loaf in my kitchen. i have no idea how it smelt it, but i found it behind my neighbour’s house tasting my bread. although it seems like he didn’t like it all that much afterall – he left half of it behind and disappeared into another house. the next time you decide to waste food, think about the poor starving monkeys.

that provided some amusement. studying’s really getting to be a bore. it’s just a few days more but i’m losing steam already. i wonder if i really will ever get out of my poor academic showing.

defining the time that is slipping by