falling to pieces

For all the preparation and planning, it can be undone in a simple second. The mind goes blank, the heart skips a beat. All that has been done comes undone. Disintegrates.

flow away

Because I will not let myself be weighed down by small issues
Because we must see the bigger picture
Because time is only this short and this precious
We will be free.

And we learn to live and let live.

Don’t know how to put it any other way

I really never thought i would end the play the way i did. After a turbulent two months – which honestly were not wholesomely enjoyable – i found myself wishing the last day would last beyond those 24 hours. In those soft, low intensity lights, in almost near total darkness, i lay on the wooden flooring and realised how pretty those lights were. I wish i had walked that space.

Not everything the past month was sweet or good or enjoyable or pleasant. But even then, to think that it would just end like that was a pity. This being an absolutely personal committment, the challenges were so different. We’re so safe in the school system that doing something out of it has brought unforeseen challenges of all sorts – the most basic of finding manpower is an issue.

Amongst the cast and crew, i think we all have different degrees of feelings and opinions to the end of this production. ”Professionalism” is the only thought pulling me back. But that’s precisely the problem isn’t it – when it’s just taken as a “job”, it loses its meaning. It becomes impersonal.

That’s exactly how our school system is run. Academic. This last year is daunting. If anything, fear is keeping me awake. The time spent doing the production work has meant that i haven’t managed to prep myself for this year. And it’s showing right now, because i can’t get back to school work. It is all very ironic. I wanted the production to end but now i don’t. School is and can be an enriching time but i don’t want school to have started. I’m trying to make sense of this back and forth jumble of thoughts. What’s going to be my inspiration to keep me going for an entire year. But just as the end always turns out sweet, i’m placing my bet on that even for the A levels. If i am going to win it, it’ll need to come with a lot of work – just as it has always been.

Believing. It is genuinely not easy right now. But it’ll have to be done.

I’m sorry I practically gave up.
I don’t want that to happen again.

We may be bumped, nudged, shoved, poked and sometimes even stabbed.

But right inside, we must still know which line we’re following and have the strength to keep going.

We run. Towards or away.

Having the energy and the passion to do something, anything, is a powerful force to live with. Seeing the drive flower from within to achieve a goal or even a dream is a beautiful sight. Those who will succeed are those who know what they want and are actively determined to draw blood and sweat to achieve it. An idle man is an awfully wasted man.

We are all built from imperfections and we know that. But we must still continue to strive, despite that. There are too many parts that are imperfect, but they don’t always matter. The will to build on those imperfections, to shape them into something better, is more important and is what will bring us forward. The belief that there will always be an end more wonderful, more beautiful, more satisfying, more comforting, more fulfilling, is what keeps us going. If we thought only of our end then we lose faith in our future and in ourselves.

I’ve always thought that is why artists who commit suicide, suicide. More or less. They get caught in their own understanding of their form – our imperfections – and they cacoon themselves in it. They simply cannot move on knowing they are less than perfect. The degeneration of one so brilliant to the world outisde, but so flawed to themselves within, is just saddening. That way, ignorance is bliss. But some just cannot do with ignorance.

We must step outside of ourselves. We can only see the beauty within when we first look from the outside.

“… and why everything people did seemed so silly, because they only died in the end.”

Phrases, in circles.

Now that A levels for this year has ended, it means that ours for next year has begun. This time next year, we’d be out of the system. But I don’t want this time next year to come. Every time I commit to something, I’d go through a phase of ‘aimlessness’. I lose sight of why I wanted to do this in the first place, then I’d usually find it again. I never seem to fully convince myself without a doubt. All I know is that I have 1 year to make it good. Every single thing I want to be good, I have 1 year.

JC has a way of pulling people apart, stretching thin. And in the longer, greater phrase, I still have my doubts. I don’t really know what I’m doing, or why it is the way it is now. Thoughts go round in cycles. It’s like a queue waiting to enter your head. Only that isn’t straight. More join the queue, and some cut it. But they enter, exit and enter again.

One in a million

When you’re unsure of yourself, you’re unsure of what you’re doing. You don’t know why you do the things you do, you don’t know what you’re good at and you don’t know whether to stop doing. After all, you’re just one in a million. That’s when the road ends - dead.